I thought Miranda was joking when she asked about warm croissants and fresh tea in bed. I thought we were both laughing at a joke. How the hell is somebody supposed to get warm croissants at 8 AM? Do you know how long it takes to make those? She called me out a little in her last post, HGTV Decluttering Tips May Ruin Your Marriage. So I was determined to make it right.
Last night, I finally read the article about how to Feng Shui Your Bedroom. (I hadn't gotten around to it because I was still too busy sorting my paperwork KonMari-style from week 1.) Turns out, we did alright with the first 8 feng shui rules. I'd even installed a dimmer switch on the light when we moved in, so we already had "controllable lighting." But we hadn't mastered rule #9, filling the bedroom with welcoming scents, touch, sounds, and tastes. So I wanted to give it a shot and redeem myself.
PHASE 1: HGTV'S EXPECTATIONS
Here is what HGTV told me to do:
- Scent: "Light fragrant candles or use an essential-oil diffuser (lavender induces relaxation, and jasmine, rose, and geranium scents are associated with love)."
- Touch: "Invest in inviting linens—pure Egyptian cotton, smooth silk, soft velvet and cozy cashmere."
- Sound: "Play relaxing music or nature sounds, or hang a wind chime outside your bedroom window to fill the space with soothing sounds."
- Taste: "Treat yourself to a good glass of wine or a bowl of chocolate-dipped strawberries in bed, or awaken your mate with the delicious flavors of freshly brewed tea and warm, buttery croissants for two. It will do your chi—and your state of mind—a world of good."
PHASE 2: MY PLAN
- Scent: Miranda already put a scented candle she likes in the bedroom. And the smell of buttery croissants should be a welcome addition. Done.
- Touch: Really? $150 for sheets?? Um, can I just do clean sheets? I'll take off the dirty ones, and put on the somewhat silky purple ones we got from Costco for $22.99. We're not on a silk-sheets budget. Sorry, Miranda.
- Sound: Miranda doesn't like windchimes. So, I'll open the window and she can wake up to the sound of birds chirping. Easy.
- Taste: Hmm, warm croissants. I don't have time to make them fresh in the morning. Can I buy a store made one and warm it in the microwave? I'm going to need some help on this one. I called for backup, our friend Cami. Cami loves to bake and is the kind of person who will call us on a Tuesday and say, "I made too many brownies, come over." (Seriously, everybody needs a friend like her.) I knew she'd know how to get a croissant at 8 AM. I found out that, not only does Trader Joe's sell delicious frozen ones, but they come in chocolate and almond flavors. Set them on the counter overnight, bake for 20 minutes in the morning. They'd be golden, and so would I. Major husband points coming my way.
PHASE 3: THE REALITY
I got up early. The croissants had risen perfectly, but I didn't have a lot of time before Miranda's alarm was set to go off. The oven would take too long to warm up, so I decided to use the toaster oven. Besides, HGTV also taught me that I needed to use every item on the kitchen counter every day. And this toaster oven is taking up a good chunk of the counter. I warmed it to 350º and put a kettle on to boil. I got out Miranda's matching mug and pastry plate set that is one of the only single-function kitchens item we allowed ourselves to keep because Miranda loves it so much. I set the timer for 20 minutes, popped the croissants in the toaster oven, and...
- Scent: Turns out our toaster oven is not the correct appliance for baking croissants. Lesson learned. The burning smell was strong enough to make our dog come trotting into the kitchen with a very concerned look. (Question: If the sides of the croissant are light brown and the top is black, can I average that out to golden? Probably not. Fail.)
- Touch: Miranda was still asleep on the clean, soft sheets. At least I didn't mess this part up. Win!
- Sound: As I was plating the croissant, it started. Our neighbor, whose garage is 25 feet from our pillows, was getting new siding installed...today. Rather than waking Miranda up with a fresh croissant and birds, she was jolted awake by the sounds of nail guns and chop saws, and the smell of burning. Not happy. Definite fail.
- Taste: After scrapping off the blackened layer, the rest of the croissant proved to be delicious. However, Georgia (the dog) followed me back to the bedroom and got back in her usual place, as close as possible to Miranda. Normally that's fine. But when we are sitting in bed eating croissants, she's right on top of Miranda's lap, nose 2 inches from Miranda's plate. Hot dog breath is not a sensual scent. Just as Miranda turned to pick up her tea...BAM, dog tongue meets croissant. Giant fail.
I'm still not sure how this turned out so badly. All I wanted was a nice picture of all the HGTV rules I'd followed for the sensual haven. Instead I have these.